Everyone...excuse me...every WOMAN knows the high importance of finding a good - er, I mean, great hairdresser. Well, I had found one years ago, but she got a wild hair up her butt and decided to move to California to pursue fashion design. Bitter, party of one? Yes, that's me. Ever since then, I have been wandering lost in the land of "I am looking for a good hairdresser-ville" for about three years now.
In my search for "the one", I did find a pretty great guy who meets all necessary "great hairdresser" requirements...which are as follows:
1. Great hair washer. Everyone knows the washing of the hair can be one of the best parts. (And it is of utmost importance that the hairdresser practices proper hygeine and smells great since he/she is bent down in front of my face as he/she washes my hair. So - first qualification met.
2. Must make me feel comfortable. This qualification can be met in a series of different circumstances. For instance - good conversation. There must a certain "ebb and flow" between my hairdresser and I. Awkward silences? Save those for first dates, not my trips to a hairdresser. Besides, wasn't that a class in hair design school? Communication 101? The hairdresser should also feel complete and total freedom to make several comments as to the healthy condition of my hair. I am there in a vain attempt to feel beautiful and goregous. Any comments made to make me feel as such are greatly appreciated.
3. Must be able to speak and (correctly) interpret basic English. In other words - a "trim" should never be confused with a "cut".
4. Obviously must be able to properly use a pair of scissors. Key word here: properly.
5. A great hairdresser can operate in the midst of any personal crisis...In the words of Anelle from Steel Magnolia's..."My personal tragedy will not affect my ability to do good hair."
6. A good amount of gossip is crucial. But not too harsh. It's really an art that has to be mastered over time. Just enough to keep me interested. Again, I find a Steel Magnolia's quote so appropriate here - "If you don't have anything nice to say about somebody, come sit by me." And don't worry...I don't repeat gossip. So listen the first time.
7. And while this is not a requirement, per se, it is definetly a plus. Gay men are great hairdressers. I'm just gonna say it. I hate to stereotype, but I have yet to meet one gay man who was a hairdresser who wasn't absoutely fabu. (And by fabu, I mean "fabulous"...gay men are great with coming up with these phrases.)
Well last week, Thursday to be exact (because all tragedies are remembered) I was desperate. I tried to make an appointment with my newfound hairdresser, but alas, he was not available until the next week. (Of course, because he's fabu!) So, I took a major risk and decided to go with a new gal. MAJOR MISTAKE. I even asked the receptionist making the appointment, "Um...maam...is this girl any good?" Her response? "Of course!" I think by "of course!" she meant, "Hell no! The girl failed first grade for not being able to use scissors." Because THAT comment would have been much more accurate than her saying, "Of course." She clearly sits on a throne of lies.
Here's a run-down of how this went down...
3:20 p.m. - Arrive early. Because that is what adults do. (Usually I don't act like one, but today was an exception.)
3:35 p.m. - Receptionist tells me that I can go on back because my hairdresser is here.
3:45 p.m. - Still waiting. My appointment was at 3:30 p.m.
3:50 p.m. - Irritated as hell. Walk up to the receptionist and ask, "Um, did you tell her I was here?"
3:51 p.m. - Realize that my hairdresser was sitting right beside me running her mouth while I was waiting impatiently. "Oh, are you Danielle? Well, I have been waiting on you." REALLY?!!
3:55 p.m. - She doesn't rate too bad on the "must be a good hairwasher" requirement. And she is actually beginning to make good conversation. Hey...this could turn out to be pretty good.
4:00 p.m. - I realize that through her conversation (and my woman's intuition) that she is exactly one of the women who slept with one of my friends husbands. Oh yeah. These.Are.The.Days.Of.Our.Lives.
4:01 p.m. - She immediately realizes that I know. Awkward silence the remainder of my appointment.
4:05 p.m. - I directly point to a girl sitting next to me and say, "That's exactly how I want my hair cut." I am thinking that there is NO way she can mess this up. I mean, she has a living model sitting right beside her to look at how I would like my new "do" to look. I gave her too much credit.
4:15 p.m. - Awkward silence continues.
4:35 p.m. - and awkward silence continues to, um, continue.
4:50 p.m. - Wow. She is cutting a lot of my hair.
5:00 p.m. - Okay, she is cutting A LOT of my hair.
5:05 p.m. - Put my glasses on and look in the mirror. Yup, she cut off a lot of my hair. I am resisting tears. First, she is a homewrecker. Second, she is a homewrecker who just gave ME a bad hair cut. What a biotch.
5:15 p.m. - GET ME OUT OF HERE!
5:20 p.m. - Put on my best, "Oh, i like it!" smile.
5:30 p.m. - Immediatly look at myself in the mirror when I get into my car and say, out loud, "Oh my god. I hate it." I put on more lip gloss and blush in an effort to distract from what quite possibly may be the worst haircut ever.
5:33 p.m. - Look in the mirror again. My hair looks like a cross between a really bad "mom" haircut and a mushroom.
5:45 p.m. - Look in the mirror at home. And absoutley, have a tantrum. Complete with real, crocodile tears. This goes on for a few minutes.
6:00 p.m. - Thinking about throwing myself a for-real by-invitation-only pity party. Complete with party favors and party hats...to cover up the bad hair.
I am SO sticking with my gay hairdresser from now on. Even if I have to wait a decade.