Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Baby got middle

If you've been reading my blog at all, you know my struggle with getting out of the 180's. Ever since I gained weight (a total of 70 pounds over the course of around 15 years), I have never lost down below 184. The height of my...vast large-ness was in January at a whopping 205 pounds. I know, right? OMG. Not to mention that I am only 5'3 which made 205 appear way larger than what it seems. I am thinking those horrible fun house mirrors at the carnival had nothing on my frame back in January. And the suckiest part of me gaining weight is that I gain it all from my waist up. My stomach and face take all the weight. Why can't I look like one of the Kardashians and have a killer badonkadonk or Shakira's hips that don't lie? But no. God blessed me with the apple shape. Baby got back? Um, no, this baby ain't got back. This baby got middle. I changed the lyrics - "You can do side bends or sit ups...but please don't loose that gut. Dial 1-800-Muffin-Top and kick those nasty got middle." Sir-Mix-A-Lot would be so enthused.    
But today, the scale was my friend. I am down to 182! Almost out of the 180s. But, considering I have a big party coming up this weekend (where there will be lots of Southern food goodness, along with cocktails galore), I really don't want to blow it.

So, what is my plan?

Dance my ass off to "Baby Got Back"...
and maybe entertain the crowd with my new lyrics.  

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Men are from Mars...women are a whole different galaxy

Inside the mind of a female, if you dare open it, lies complex things. Intricate details to everyday occurrences. A sort-of "pandora's box" of thoughts if you will. Some ( call us complicated. I prefer intelligently complex. There. That sounds much better and much more appealing. The inner workings of the female brain is quite brilliant and amazing. Well, when you compare it to the much more simple and non-complex inner workings of its counterpart. Take for instance, the following situations and differences between men and women.

Situation #1 - Bad hair day
Women: Attempt desired hair-do. Heave hairbrush across the bathroom when it does not accomplish said hair-do. Maybe shed a tear in frustration. Leave for work in a heightened state of annoyance. And thus, "this day sucks" has officially begun.
Men: Put on a baseball hat. Or just choose to not give a shit.

Situation #2 - Fight/argument with the BFF
Women: Play out and over-analyze the fight and/or argument with the BFF and how it "went down". Reconfirm that you were not the one in the wrong...or perhaps come to the conclusion that you are a harsh bitch. In which case, a prompt apology is required. Continue to over-analyze future conversation (or facebook message) in which you will have to restore friendship with the BFF. Anticipate possible responses and figure out how you will react accordingly. All the while, torturing (aka re-hashing this entire scenario) with your boyfriend or husband or other friend (basically anyone who will listen). 
Men: First move: they question, "What is a BFF?" Second move: they usually just throw a punch or two and it's over with.

Situation #3 - Going out on a date
Women: Shower (probably a bath...seems more girly). Spend a ridiculous amount of time figuring out what outfit to wear. Because all body parts must look cute. Boobs. Butt. And everything else. What about our hair? Down, which says I'm carefree and fun. Or up, which says I'm serious, smart and sophisticated. Or the new fishtail braid which says I'm trendy. Wait a minute...wasn't there an article about this in Cosmo? Should I bake some cookies? Saw that in a romantic comedy once. It lets him know I can cook. House must be clean. Lets him know I can do the housewife thing. And some men find that sexy. And the warped over-analyzing goes on from there...
Men: Shower (although sometimes...may opt for just a simple freshen-up with clean underwear) Shave. Do a few push-ups. Check their breath with the 'ole cup the hand around the mouth and breathe to see if you can smell your own stanky breath trick. (Which is not an accurate test by the way).

Situation #4 - The "how was your weekend?" conversation
Women: We give you the extended version with every.single.detail. "Great! Friday night me and some girlfriends got together and had went out to eat at that new restaurant. SO good! I got the cheese fry appetizer. And our waiter was hilarious. Remind me to tell you what he said. And then we went and watched that new romcom (romantic comedy)- so good! I swear, that Justin Timber-hot gets better with age." And we continue on with Saturday's events and wrap it up with Sunday's events. It should be noted that anytime we are asked "how was something" whether it be a weekend, night, work day or vacation, you most likely need to go pop some Orville Redenbacher cuz it's going to be awhile.
Men: "Good."

Situation #5 - The after sex thoughts going on in our heads
Single women: "Did this mean anything to him? How do I look? Is my hair all messed up? Does he want to snuggle? Or worse, does he want to go home? Will he call tomorrow? Should I text him first or should I wait?"
Married women: "Ok, glad that's over. Gosh, I have so much to do. Did I lock the door? Who has ball practice tomorrow? Wait a minute...are those his freakin' clothes on the floor? I swear if he leaves those out one more time when there is a freakin' clothes hamper right near the door..."
Single men: "zzzzz...."
Married men: "zzzz...."

And there you have it folks. Proof we are from two entirely different galaxies. 

Thursday, July 21, 2011

I'm about to become that girl

My relationship with the 180s? In the words of Kristen Cavalari (aka skinny bitch) from MTV's Laguna Beach...we are so "dunzo". For those of you who have apparently grown out of watching teenage reality shows, that means I'm done. Finished.
I am so freakin' tired of stepping on the scales only to see something that starts with 18(filll in the blank). Seriously? I'm to the point now where I am about to go into what I call serious call-me-crazy-if-you-want-to mode. You know the one, right? When you are out with your girlfriends, she's the one that orders the skinny margarita version while everyone else is downing the double-straw fish bowl size margarita. The one that orders some sort of vinaigrette while everyone else is like "can order some ranch dressing with a side of salad" and the one who eats fruit as if it is a real a dessert option. You know her. We all know her. Because we hate her. And why do we hate her? Because she is loosing weight. And it is working for her. And we are all jealous bitches, aren't we? Secretly wishing we had that kind of self-control.
Well, I am about to be that girl. You can hate me if you want to. Heck, I may even hate me for a little while. I'm about to be a water-drinkin', salad eatin', lean protein cookin', fruit snackin' girl. I'm not going to go all crazy and do the stupid things people do to loose weight (only to put it back on weeks later). I can promise you that I may become the girl I mentioned above, but rest assured I will never be the girl who gives up carbs ( you want me to go on a killing spree in the dessert cake aisle at Wal-Mart? I didn't think so.) I will never be the girl who completely gives up sweet tea (wouldn't I loose my Southern accent? That is, in fact, what gives us our accent right?) But I am talking about seriously giving a second thought about everything I eat, drink and...well...think. Because here lately I am beginning to believe that the mere thought about cheese fries makes my waist size increase an inch. And, (insert big ARG! here) I am talking about getting back on the fitness bandwagon. I've managed to have lost between 19-20 pounds since January, but since around about April or so, I haven't ran even once. I could blame it on a injury, but that injury cleared up within a couple of weeks...and I still haven't moved my butt off the couch. So, Jillian Michaels and your evil's go time.
I'll keep you posted. Hopefully the 170's will make their debut. Soon.  

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Sending me messages...

So, apparently my cellular device is trying to send me a message.

In today's high tech modern world, things often go array. Or perhaps the diet gods are living in my cell phone and trying to send me a message that I quite literally will receive. Because there is a definitely a higher power at work via my cell phones predictive text. I'm pretty sure it isn't God. I mean, because He isn't too concerned with my weight loss...I mean, with global warming and literally keeping up with the Kardashians, I'm pretty sure he's busy.
So allow me to tell you exactly what has been going on with my cell phone. It has this handy little help-me-out tool called predictive text. It is supposed to correctly guess what word I am attempting to text. Now, considering the vastness of the English language, many times the predictive text is a bit off. And for that reason, I am often forgiving and continue to use predictive text. For instance, when I try to spell "me", my cell phone often wants to spell "of". Not a big deal. But here lately, I've been noticing a common theme in the errors of certain words and phrases. For instance...
When I want to spell the word "eat" my cell phone spells "fat".
When I want to spell the world "food" my cell phone spells "done".
I am so not kidding.

And to get even a little more creative...
If I try to spell lazy, it spells jazz (as in "don't be lazy...jazzercise!")

Dear predictive text,
I got the freakin' message.