Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Men are from Mars...women are from...like a whole different galaxy

Inside the mind of a female, if you dare open it, lies complex things. Intricate details to everyday occurrences. A sort-of "pandora's box" of thoughts if you will. Some (ahem...men) call us complicated. I prefer intelligently complex. There. That sounds much better and much more appealing. The inner workings of the female brain is quite brilliant and amazing. Well, when you compare it to the much more simple and non-complex inner workings of its counterpart. Take for instance, the following situations and differences between men and women.

Situation #1 - Bad hair day
Women: Attempt desired hair-do. Heave hairbrush across the bathroom when it does not accomplish said hair-do. Maybe shed a tear in frustration. Leave for work in a heightened state of annoyance. And thus, "this day sucks" has officially begun.
Men: Put on a baseball hat. Or just choose to not give a shit.

Situation #2 - Fight/argument with the BFF
Women: Play out and over-analyze the fight and/or argument with the BFF and how it "went down". Reconfirm that you were not the one in the wrong...or perhaps come to the conclusion that you are a harsh bitch. In which case, a prompt apology is required. Continue to over-analyze future conversation (or facebook message) in which you will have to restore friendship with the BFF. Anticipate possible responses and figure out how you will react accordingly. All the while, torturing (aka re-hashing this entire scenario) with your boyfriend or husband or other friend (basically anyone who will listen). 
Men: First move: they question, "What is a BFF?" Second move: they usually just throw a punch or two and it's over with.

Situation #3 - Going out on a date
Women: Shower (probably a bath...seems more girly). Spend a ridiculous amount of time figuring out what outfit to wear. Because all body parts must look cute. Boobs. Butt. And everything else. What about our hair? Down, which says I'm carefree and fun. Or up, which says I'm serious, smart and sophisticated. Or the new fishtail braid which says I'm trendy. Wait a minute...wasn't there an article about this in Cosmo? Should I bake some cookies? Saw that in a romantic comedy once. It lets him know I can cook. House must be clean. Lets him know I can do the housewife thing. And some men find that sexy. And the warped over-analyzing goes on from there...
Men: Shower (although sometimes...may opt for just a simple freshen-up with clean underwear) Shave. Do a few push-ups. Check their breath with the 'ole cup the hand around the mouth and breathe to see if you can smell your own stanky breath trick. (Which is not an accurate test by the way).

Situation #4 - The "how was your weekend?" conversation
Women: We give you the extended version with every.single.detail. "Great! Friday night me and some girlfriends got together and had went out to eat at that new restaurant. SO good! I got the cheese fry appetizer. And our waiter was hilarious. Remind me to tell you what he said. And then we went and watched that new romcom (romantic comedy)- so good! I swear, that Justin Timber-hot gets better with age." And we continue on with Saturday's events and wrap it up with Sunday's events. It should be noted that anytime we are asked "how was something" whether it be a weekend, night, work day or vacation, you most likely need to go pop some Orville Redenbacher cuz it's going to be awhile.
Men: "Good."

Situation #5 - The after sex thoughts going on in our heads
Single women: "Did this mean anything to him? How do I look? Is my hair all messed up? Does he want to snuggle? Or worse, does he want to go home? Will he call tomorrow? Should I text him first or should I wait?"
Married women: "Ok, glad that's over. Gosh, I have so much to do. Did I lock the door? Who has ball practice tomorrow? Wait a minute...are those his freakin' clothes on the floor? I swear if he leaves those out one more time when there is a freakin' clothes hamper right near the door..."
Single men: "zzzzz...."
Married men: "zzzz...."

And there you have it folks. Proof we are from two entirely different galaxies. 

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