Tips while eating at a restaurant...an unlikely blog entry

I'm gonna take a little break from my posts regarding diet, exercise, etc. and do what I need to do for a minute...vent...via my mad writing skills.

At this point in my life, college grad and all, I am...waiting tables. I'd like to blame it on the economy or something equally as lame, but I will just be honest - I quit a job I hated. Even though my previous job provided me with a stable income and all the "adult" benefits such as insurance, etc. I. Just. Couldn't. Do. It. Anymore. (And that's an entirely different blog entry). So - long story short - I'm waiting tables. And with the exception of stupid idiots who think it's okay to tip $1.00, it isn't that bad. Actually, I like it. And I especially like my co-workers.

But, for you stupid idiots who think it's okay to tip $1.00...well...you are a stupid idiot.

I provide good...no...great service. I say that with confidence. Sit in my section at the restaurant where I work and you will see for yourself. You will have little time to even think about a refill before I am standing in front of you with one. I can even entertain you with wit, should I assess that is needed. (I have seriously good instinct skills and know what individuals enjoy good conversation or those who just want their food and little talk). For talk alone I was tipped $15 this weekend (he was an ASU alumni - it was easy conversation!) I am here to serve - that's my job. And unlike many drive-thru clerks - (and one certain convenience store clerk), I actually like my job. Except for today. And I have made some tips and guidelines for customers while eating at a restaurant...so you and I can both have a great day...


1) Please understand you are not my only table or customer. Seriously. Although I promise to bust my butt to treat you like you are.

2) Please understand that 15 different servers are trying to use the same computers and drink machine to get your order in and your drinks ready. So if it takes us more than 2 minutes...that's why. We know you are thirsty.

3) Understand that we are juggling about 12 different requests at one time. And 99% of the time, we remember every request. Forgive us for the other 1%.

4) If you have a complicated order - that alone should be just cause for an increase in the tip you give. When you create your own menu item and often times absolutely ridiculous requests - know you are that person at a restaurant. We get that you're at a restaurant and you want to be served. And you have that right. But don't take it too far...for instance..."I want the salad, but no tomatoes or onions or cucumbers. Dressing on the side. And extra dressing. And croutons on the side. And on my hamburger I want exactly 3 slices of tomatoes and little mayonnaise and no sesame seeds on the bun. And I want cheese on top of the meat and on the bottom. And I want my fries extra crispy." You laugh. But that was a real order. 

5) Know that when you order flavored teas or lemonade - we have to make them. Meaning, we have to mix them. There usually isn't a "strawberry lemonade" on tap. We have to get the strawberry mix, the lemonade and mix them. That takes time. Doesn't a coke sound better?

6) IT IS NEVER. EVER. UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE - ok to tip $1 or $2. Never. Ever. Get it? If your reality consists of tips that are that low - you need to get out more...or stay at home and eat a sandwich.

7) Know that servers get approximately $2.00 per hour to work plus tips. And if you give us shitty tips - well, that's shitty. Shame on you. You should know better.

8) Servers have to claim at least 10% of their sales. Meaning, we get taxed for 10% of our sales. When YOU don't tip 10%, that's money out of our pocket. And we still have a percentage that goes to our bartenders, bus boys and hostesses. I know that's a lot of percentage talk - simply put: TIP!

9) Don't treat us like slaves. I can't speak for other serves, but if you treat me nicely, I will go the extra mile for you! If you don't...I'll...well...I'll just keep that my little secret.

10) When you have a large party, please don't give me the following drink order:
Seat 1: water, no ice - lemons on the side
Seat 2: water, light on the ice - no lemon
Seat 3: hot tea w/ honey     (WTF?)
...you get the point.

 11) Sunday's are the absolute WORST days for tips. Worst! This simply shouldn't be. If the big church hats are prohibiting your ability to calculate a proper percentage to tip, take it off and give your brain some room to breathe. Just sayin'.

To those of you who have realized you broke the above guidelines - Happy eating you jerks! You deserve a kick in the butt from the bottom of my ugly slip-resistant shoes I'm forced to wear.

To the others of you - can I get you a refill?